Thursday, 24 April 2014
Often I realise, I will never get through this, never not need you as you once were.
Never not have to just live with that pain.
I have recently been avoiding photos of you, videos, everything to do with how you once were. It ties in with our Anniversary which has just come and gone like our marriage never existed, like 'we' never did.
It is coming to terms with how different it all has become now.
It is living as a wife with no husband (I do not say this lightly or cruelly).
The overwhelming realisation that this is me, you, this is the new 'us'.
It needs to settle in me for a while.
I try and avoid it a great deal, all too much to digest. too much to take on board. The one thing I have known I could never confront without falling, and my baby, I feel like I will.
Remembering days when I thought I would have most of you back at least.
Ten years married has forced me into a corner, forced me somewhere I never wanted to be.
And it is lonely, it is just me.
Me watching everyone else, families and dads and men and couples.
It's just me now Alex.
And I feel like I have finally realised you are not coming back.
Posted by Tamsyn Wood at 15:43
Sunday, 20 April 2014
Sun begins to set on another day, Holidays nearly over, another event passed without you.
They seem relentless these events.
I stand in the kitchen making a roast Gammon with the trimmings for the kids, and some veggie dish for me. The kids watch a film, the rain has recommenced. Stuffing chocolate down like there is a chocolate thief on the loose that will take it if they don't consume it this fast!
I start to set the table, call the kids, carve the meat. There is always a spare seat at the table where you once sat. There are always reminders you are no longer here with us.
I am still not handling this all that well. I toppled over this week with our Wedding Anniversary, and have been staggering about ever since.
The kids were excited to see you today, I had done them an Easter egg hunt there, which kept them amused for a time. You cover them with kisses and hold them tight when we arrive. At one point pretending to eat them because you wanted their chocolate, making them and me laugh.
You are good at interacting for a short while, as long as it does not drag on, as you quickly become over tired and agitated and it goes very quickly down hill. This is why I keep the visits short, no longer than 1 and a 1/2 hours really, this seems to be optimum time. When I prompt you, your speech is clearer, although it seems to be that for the past few months your speech has not been at all clear. There are things, however you do say very clearly 'I love you'
And I suppose that is the most important phrase.
And I love you too, Alex.
Posted by Tamsyn Wood at 21:16
Thursday, 17 April 2014
Talking to you here, writing to you, is my only means of communicating with you in a deeper sense than trying to understand what you are saying to me, or chatting about the kids to you, telling you things. I can't confide in you, nor gain your advice, that side of my Alex, of you, has gone.
It honestly is the side I miss the most, that side of a relationship, being able to chat in depth about things, the kids and their lives, elements of life that I could do with your advice on…I was very dependent on you before for this, only turning to you for counsel.
Yesterday, was the hardest of days I have seen in a very long while.
Our ten year Wedding Anniversary. There is something so significant about a decade.
I wondered to myself on the way to see you what you may have done for me were you as you once had been. I think you would have whisked me away somewhere for a night or two. Spoiled me rotten!
You would have written me a letter, you wrote to me often.
Instead I write to you, only I write to the you that I once had.
To the you I married.
The you who is gone.
I cherished the afternoon we spent together. You were in a beautiful mood and would not let go of me, kissing me and telling me you love me. I describe our Wedding to you, what you wore, who was there, and how I promised you today the same as I promised you the day we married.
We shed a few tears together, although you don't know that you were ever any different, and certainly have no recollection of our Wedding.
Through it all Alex, I will love you, I will be there, I will comfort you and take care of you.
Posted by Tamsyn Wood at 21:17
Wednesday, 16 April 2014
Before the doors swing open, I feel OK. I remember thinking, I cannot wait! Soon, SO soon I will be who I want to be, Mrs Wood!
Then the doors swing,
I see you, as you turn from the front of the Registry Office, to look at me, where we had decided we just wanted to be married, rather than not. So a Registry Office in Whitby was what was set. You melted my soul, my very being, I start to cry.
Monty, bless his tiny old soul, was 5 and a bit months old. We had met 2 years before, you had proposed to me 4 days after we had met, I agreed immediately.
Knowing instantly you were The One…
In all honesty, baby, I have spent the past 3 days in helpless tears, Knowing where I was at before we married, remembering it vividly, to the days where we are now, before our 10 year Anniversary. I didn't realise this would be the hardest thing I have had to face so far.
And I never thought this.
Well, you don't, do you?
I remember a girl, 25 years in age.
A girl, a young mummy, devoted to her man, in awe of her man, unable to see clearly because of the fact she had fallen so hard, so completely in love.
This morning, our decade of marriage anniversary, I wake alone.
I ring you at the Care Home, and there is nothing more cruel.
"In sickness and in health"
At the time, I thought nothing of it at the time, but this was the vow where I broke down for a second, before being able to continue.
And Alex, my promise to you today is still, that in sickness and in health, I will remain steadfast by your side.
I wanted to grow old with you, visions of playing with grandkids together, walks hand-in-hand. I wanted so much for us.
Now, I just want you to grow more healthy, make progress; because I cannot face this life without you.
I love you Alex, more than you could ever imagine.
Your wife xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by Tamsyn Wood at 12:40