Sunday, 9 March 2014
As Seasons change, they bring new challenges, new hopes. They force you to pause and think.
And this weekend, despite being surrounded by friends, I have never felt so utterly alone.
Saturday night we spend with our wonderful friends who have moved recently down here fairly near by. We go to the beach the following morning, and Father and son go off with the metal detector to hunt treasure as I jump waves with our kids, my friend and her remaining two kids. Standing in front of incredible surf you would have drooled over! Two surfers paddle out... and it should be you. Memories hit me like waves crashing over the rocks. It feels so real, so recent, and how I do not end up in a heap, I do not know…
Everything slows down, people's voices are distant, I can't access the here and now because my soul has drifted into the other time where we were all there on the beach.
The only thing missing is you.
The only person missing, is you.
The rest of Sunday we spend having lunch and the whole afternoon with our other very dear friends. A family with four kids like us. The children play, I paint my toenails in the sun and look over to the hills which stretch before us, view from the garden. Sunglasses hide the tears in my eyes as my friend's husband helps Esmie ride a bike for the first time.
It should be you.
I feel like an intruder. A woman with four kids that do not fit in to 'complete' family life anymore.
I feel waves engulf me, missing you, needing you.
I ache tonight, I cry helpless tears of loneliness and uncertainty.
I just ache for you and to be complete as a family again.
Will my dream ever turn into a reality?
I will drift until then, being an intruder, being alone, hurting so badly needing you.
Posted by Manic Mum at 20:39
Friday, 7 March 2014
The air is filled with loud bird-song. Slight breeze chills on a brisk dog walk this morning. My day ahead does not include seeing you, as no days apart from the Saturday do at them moment. But I hold out for the end of next week when you shall be discharged and I will be able to go back to seeing you on an almost daily basis.
You have been asking again recently when you are coming home. I use the same analogy each time. I get you to visualise yourself, younger, fitter, in the changing rooms before a big Rugby match. Talk you through it, ask what you would be feeling, what colour your shirt would be, anything to stimulate your memory and your senses. I explain that you've walked out onto the pitch, you need to get that ball to the other side for a touch down. You discuss with me what you might be thinking, how you are going to do it, I tell you you have just set off. then out of nowhere a couple of gigantic players from the opposition floor you. You hang on to the ball and strive with everything in you to get to the other side, that is where you are heading and you have to get there, but this obstacle has hindered you. You need to fight like hell to get up and get going again. I explain that this is about where you are at at the moment. You are on the pitch, you were floored by injury, but are coming out of that and starting to prepare yourself for the ultimate touch down. For getting home.
You relate well to this analogy and I use it each time now, hoping it will sink in.
I have spent several days now, heart racing in a positive vein. Blood pumping in the right direction.
And tonight, tired after a week of visitors, school commitments, friends of the kids here after school, kids waking too early and going to bed too late, my heart has dropped. That familiar ache. That hum of pain, increases to sears as I try and blank out my thoughts of you.
I miss you.
I am alone, again, on my own on yet another Friday night, with you in a different place, as is our life now.
Some days I hate it. Despise where life has left us.
But I cannot let that bitterness overtake.
I must keep strong…for you, for our babies.
Posted by Manic Mum at 22:10
Thursday, 6 March 2014
Making Waves for You is beginning to take shape. Although it si constantly on my mind, I am finding it a channel for all my energies, and it is giving me back energy and drive in return.
I am speaking to the few people I know who have been through similar experiences to get their stories/advice/assistance.
In doing this and filling my time with it, I have found I feel less of the 'alien in the room', less of a stranger in the world. I feel normal, as they experience similar yet different lives, my daily routines and thoughts and loss and grief is held on an unspoken wavelength, and I feel more normal. It makes seeing the daddies at school, the couples in the supermarket, the families out together, no easier, yet it makes it almost bearable.
The ache is still heavy, but I am using my energies in a positive way, not letting them circle endlessly around me inside, surfacing in tears and grief and feelings that I accomplish nothing.
As a person, I have never had much confidence in myself.
These past few years I have looked back and managed to say to myself in the mirror 'you're doing OK'
Something I have never told myself before.
And with this added project, which is slowly taking shape, I feel I am becoming 'me'. An independent me. Away from mopping up after the kids, because I am scared of the day I will not be able to do that in the same way anymore, they are growing fast and I need something for me too. Something I can be devote myself to in the same way I do you and the kids. Away, too, from being everything for you to no avail.
It was a strange day for you today, most of the times you ring you are in an unbelievable mood, even recalling what you had done this morning when you rang me at lunch. Then tonight, you ring several times, each time distressed, howling down the phone and the you would throw the phone and insist on ringing me back…And since you threw it the last time, you have not rung back… I hope that our call before bed sees you calmed.
I miss you with every part of me, Alex…
Posted by Manic Mum at 20:45
Wednesday, 5 March 2014
It is Lent.
According to the kids, it is now 40 days of eating pancakes, I have taught them all wrong it seems!
Although in all honesty, I could probably join them in that!
We get up extra early, mix the chocolate pancake mix (at their request) and chocolate pancakes for breakfast ensues…
I walk the dog this morning, I do not get the time to do this everyday, and it is my favourite thing to do. Especially at this time of year. Odour of freshly cut grass, I see blossom arising, straining to venture into the world, new life, bird song drowning out any other sound.
Decisions have been an unwelcome part of this journey. Placing you in 24/7 Care, sending you back to this environment after we tried you living at home, deciding when I should leave at each visit.
Decisions which feel so surreal, like I am looking in, an observer in some nightmare dream. Only it is not, and after each heartbreaking decision I have to make, I have to face that this is now my reality. Your reality.
Rarely seeing you is so hard, but again, I had to accept this with your best interests at heart. I feel so cut out, cut off, and I miss you terribly. You ring me several times a day and we Skype once or twice, which helps me, being able to see your face and gage how you are. Your hone call to me tonight was one of those surprising moments, when you have such clarity in your voice, and as I ask you what you got up to before tea, you say 'I had Physio, I walked to my room' I imagine this means you walked from the Gym to your your, making it the length of a corridor, and I know you have 2 people to support you. But I am stunned. It has taken over a year to get back here. Losing the use of your Left leg in the Old Care Home, put you back so far. To know that this is now back to where you were 18 months ago, is heartbreaking in one sense, as I think how much further on you could have been. But it is what it is and this progress is immense.
You give me hope Alex, you help ME.
And I pray, and I keep praying for more and for more…
Posted by Manic Mum at 20:26