Wednesday, 16 April 2014
Before the doors swing open, I feel OK. I remember thinking, I cannot wait! Soon, SO soon I will be who I want to be, Mrs Wood!
Then the doors swing,
I see you, as you turn from the front of the Registry Office, to look at me, where we had decided we just wanted to be married, rather than not. So a Registry Office in Whitby was what was set. You melted my soul, my very being, I start to cry.
Monty, bless his tiny old soul, was 5 and a bit months old. We had met 2 years before, you had proposed to me 4 days after we had met, I agreed immediately.
Knowing instantly you were The One…
In all honesty, baby, I have spent the past 3 days in helpless tears, Knowing where I was at before we married, remembering it vividly, to the days where we are now, before our 10 year Anniversary. I didn't realise this would be the hardest thing I have had to face so far.
And I never thought this.
Well, you don't, do you?
I remember a girl, 25 years in age.
A girl, a young mummy, devoted to her man, in awe of her man, unable to see clearly because of the fact she had fallen so hard, so completely in love.
This morning, our decade of marriage anniversary, I wake alone.
I ring you at the Care Home, and there is nothing more cruel.
"In sickness and in health"
At the time, I thought nothing of it at the time, but this was the vow where I broke down for a second, before being able to continue.
And Alex, my promise to you today is still, that in sickness and in health, I will remain steadfast by your side.
I wanted to grow old with you, visions of playing with grandkids together, walks hand-in-hand. I wanted so much for us.
Now, I just want you to grow more healthy, make progress; because I cannot face this life without you.
I love you Alex, more than you could ever imagine.
Your wife xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Posted by Tamsyn Wood at 12:40
Monday, 14 April 2014
A day in the sunshine, an evening where I sit outside, dog at my feet, cat prowls along the garden wall, Monty sleeps snoring in my bed, the girls fast asleep upstairs.
Nothing but my music and bird song, slight chill on sun warmed skin, and a glass of ice cold rose, I need it tonight.
I have watched the kids in such awe today, they had not a cross word all morning, brought me a cup of tea in bed. Helped clear up breakfast things. We hung out in the garden all morning, Monty and Lola making eggy bread and cucumber sticks for everyone for lunch! They were so wonderful, it was such a relaxing morning, I even got to lie in the sun for a while!
I have felt ridiculously blessed today.
Loving where we live, the freedom it offers us, nipping to the beach for half-an-hour on the way home from seeing you. We run of a bit of pent up 'hour in the car' claustrophobia and head home for Quorn Bolognese I made earlier.
You seemed sad again today, you just couldn't hold tears back; you have seemed this way the past few days. Like you are 'coming round' again. Asking me why you cannot remember anything. I keep reminding you of our Wedding Anniversary on Wednesday, as it is a big deal, a decade.
We have been married a decade my angel, and I love you more now than ever before-though I never knew that would even be possible.
I am going to make us dinner and see if, with the help of some of the carers, we can lie outside on a picnic rug together, rather than it being me sitting on your lap in your wheel chair.
Allow us some freedom, just to lie for a while together.
Where I can hold you, let you know what you still mean to me, and always will.
Because I love you more than you could ever imagine Alex Wood.
Posted by Tamsyn Wood at 21:38
Sunday, 13 April 2014
Familiar drive to and fro from the Care Home. A pain reopened, a realisation that this is it. This is life.
That this is how we live.
Holidays are particularly hard, negotiating kids and activities and visits to you. The days consist of me taking the kids somewhere for the day, beach, walks, picnics, parks, bike rides…Outdoor activities, so I know we have spent time together and they have exhausted some energy. Come 2/ 3 o'clock we hit the road and a few of them sleep in the car on the winding journey to you. It's roughly an hour, and we spend the rest of the afternoon with you, till you eat, then we leave, home and cooking tea and washing and bed time stories and bed.
Only not for me, as I cannot sleep at the moment.
I wake so much, laying there for an hour or so at a time.
Thinking of you.
Wishing we could be a family, aching.
Aching for the kids, that it's just their mum who does their life with them now.
Your mood seems fairly stable, you cry when I leave, but these are tears of knowing you don't want me to be leaving, that something is up, but unsure what is wrong or different.
I cuddle you tight, protect you, kiss you and tell you 'This is not forever'…
Blink away tears that sting and silencing a voice that soars from my soul wanting to scream for you back…
Scream to God how unfair all this is.
Scream to God that enough is enough.
But I bite my tongue, muzzle my soul, blink back tears, remain strong, tell you how much I love you …
How unfair it is.
Posted by Tamsyn Wood at 21:13
Tuesday, 8 April 2014
|Easter Egg hunt in the woods x|
I pull the whites off the washing line, tiny white school shirts, four different sizes, multitudes of each. Shadows pass over, I glance up, half-a-dozen crows fly by. Palm tree waves in the wind, I hear the sea.
The holidays are always full, negotiating extra hurdles as kids are full-time at home, so cooking and washing and cleaning take over in mammoth proportions. I cannot do much else, so all projects or plans are on hold till they go back to school. I am also still feeing pretty poorly with Laryngitis, so am fighting this too. I take the kids swimming in the afternoon, something I am now able to do that Lola is over 8 and knows how to swim. A new family trip I can take them on alone.
Then straight after we come in to see you.
My heart tears, splits in two. A fresh opening of an old wound.
And I realise that the time you spent in Exeter, I had no choice, so had to go with seeing you not very often, I knew you were in a wonderful place, and had an amazing shot at rehab and regaining skills.
Now, seeing you almost everyday again, I am back with you, in this life, no detachment, just plunged back into how much I miss you, want you.
Like I have parcelled up this wound, bound it in string, only there is no string strong enough to hold the wound together, inevitable that it will split open again, spilling a thousand shattered pieces of a heart to the floor.
Nothing will ever make it better, because no matter what happens in life, I still do not have you.
And I won't.
And my heart will bleed forever more for this.
You cling to me today, just crying, telling me you love me, you want to be with me, 'stay with me, please' you repeat.
And I cannot put a brave face on it, or cry silent tears.
Because I have to leave you there, this is how it is at the moment, and I hate that.
They cascade on the car and I say I am sorry to the kids, that being with daddy today made me sad, and I needed to cry to help myself feel a bit better… I could barely explain, could hardly get my words out…
Sorry kids, sorry Alex, I am not being very strong at the moment, but I just miss you, how you used to be in my world.
Posted by Tamsyn Wood at 21:07