Friday, 17 December 2010

I saw red!


Esmie has suddenly gone from singing in the toilet, to screaming, so I go in to see why. Why? She has actually fallen in the toilet, in her zeal to go to the loo, she had forgotten to put on her little special seat shrinking device (for teeny bums!) and she has fallen right in.  So I heave her out. Although I am not super strong, pulling her out was not easy as she was pretty wedged in there! As all this is going on, through my heaving, the phone had been ringing non stop…..I was in demand, I answer, after having retrieved Esmie from the toilet, slightly breathless, and a bit frazzled, trying now to de-clothe a toilet juice covered daughter. “Oui, allo” did alright at not sounding too pissed off! The person on the other end of the phone is the collating, leaflet distributer’s office (the depot where we collect anything up to 2.5 tonnes worth of shops’ publicity, to then put together, and distribute, each week), they ask me if I would be interested in a job. And you are all now looking at the new representative of a particular shop’s (although the name escapes me!) publicity! I am moving up the corporate collating ladder, look at me! I was pleased (well, pleased is maybe a bit strong), and accepted, but at the same time am left wondering, why on earth pick me? If I am the best of the bunch, then my God! Anyway, that’s it, and I now have another job too.

Esmie has been going through a “Look at me, notice me, give me ALL your attention, or I will sneak off and so naughty things” phase, and it has been testing this week….! At any given moment , I am confronted by the aftermath of a deranged Andrex puppy on the loose, and I have toilet rolls that I have painstakingly re-wrapped up, looking completely awful in my toilet. There are absolutely NO chocolates left in 2 of our 4 chocolate Christmas calendars. She snuck off and opened all the doors, I came back in the room, she jumped, and looked at me saying “Oh, mummy, not meeeee”. Oh really?! She unwrapped the presents that I wrapped up for all the teachers and the teaching assistants…..Helpful. I am sure she will grow out of it, I hope before she causes me any more work/ugly looking toilet paper rolls/brokenhearted kids cause there are no more chocolates in their chocolate calendar……

This week, also saw me coming to blows with the “friend” who leaves me her insanely overexcited 40kg dog to look after, gives me puzzles with pieces missing, and lets her son run WILD in my house, when she gets fed-up with him doing it at her’s. My mother-in-law will be proud! She has witnessed several incidences with the aforementioned lady……! It came about at dinnertime, when the phone rang, I answered and she was on the other end. Niceties over, she homes in……Can I look after her dog for a fortnight all over Christmas? She had vaguely hinted at it a while back, but only a for few days, and nothing was arranged. As I tell her it won’t actually be possible as I am going away for a couple of days over Christmas, she lets rip at me! Informing me that I have to do it (er, excuse me?), that I should have told her that I wasn’t going to do it before (because I sit on my arse and make phone calls all day?), I saw red! Unlike me, I now inform her, although she is talking me down, that in actual fact I do have a right to go away for a night over Christmas, that I did not have to ring her because it was never even definite, and that what should she do now? She should not be so god damn rude and expecting and she should ring some other idiot who will look after her dog. So I doubt I’ll be hearing from her soon…..unless she wants something! With my promotion in the dark world of collating, the power has obviously gone to my head!

Well my sister should expect the most hideous looking parcels in the post this week, as after I had wrapped all the presents lovingly, I then had to “sturdify” them, and wrap parcel tape all round the whole thing…..and to top it all off, I could not find any scissors, so ended up gnawing the parcel tape off with my teeth, beaver styley. So here’s to a great weekend, the first few days of the holidays, no more arguments with stupid idiot women (!), and Margo, my chicken getting her own chicken-child seat to lay her eggs in……Have a good weekend!

Wednesday, 15 December 2010

I have actually been sucking the bogeys out of my 2 ½-year-old’s nose....


I still have no idea quite how I did it, but as we have more eggs than we know what to do with (unfortunately not because my girls are performing, although bravo Margo for her 3 (even though she managed to squish one, it still counts!)), grabbing a load for scrambled eggs for breakfast, on walking through the door to the kitchen, I managed to squish a whole egg all over me. Quick change of clothes (although I frequently leave the house covered in pooh, be it animal/ human/Shrek’s (true story) I drew the line at a whole egg), a whole squished egg down my front was just not the best look, and I am ready and on “Take Two” of the day at just 7am this morning.

I am thankful that I can almost see the light at the end of the tunnel, as the prescribed medicine treatments are now nearly at an end. I have actually been sucking the bogeys out of my 2 ½-year-old’s nose. In all honesty, the device the Doctor gave me for extracting the bogeys out of children’s noses, you have never before seen such a piece of equipment. I enthusiastically held the right bit up Esmie’s nostril, and began to do my sucking duties through the other connected end. You suck, the bogeys run out screaming, and you are supposed to stop sucking as you see the bogeys fill up the chamber, before you inhale them……. How rank?? I did it somewhat halfheartedly, and I have to say I am struggling to use the contraption, as every time I suck, I begin to bork uncontrollably! It’s not been all that successful, and I am sure Esmie is as freaked out by the whole thing as I am, I mean what on earth must she be understanding from this act by her mother? I tower over her, put something up her nose, sucking through a contraption, and then start nearly puking in her face! I hope she will not be scarred for life!

I managed to get my ironing done today, which is never a small feat. However as I was ironing, folding the ironed items, placing them in named piles, I notice they are not all that “Pressed” looking. I carry on regardless, and then after a good 7 items realize I had forgotten to plug the iron in. There is nothing worse, I can assure you. I had finally, finally got round to tackling the Everest, and I had to double iron. It just makes so much more work when you are actually stupid enough to not realize you have not yet plugged the iron in.

My other 3 chickens have not laid me one single egg, and I am going to have to have talks…….However I am not too sure I would be able to cope with them all if they all behave as Margo has started to since having her eggs. She wanders round like a lunatic. Today I was on my way out, finally out, after the egg squishing scenario, I open the car door and she gaily hops in, not a care in the world, and shuffles over to sit on Lola’s lap. I shoo her out, she is not giving up that easily however, and hurls herself back in the car boccing and pecking me and flapping her wings so fast (you ever tried to catch a chicken?? They flap in the most almighty manner), that she flaps me in the eye and I now have a sore red eye, feathers all over me and I stink of chicken. Bring on the school run and the mother who takes drugs (see earlier blog!) and stinks of chickens and goes out filthy looking, real “coper” that mother of four……!

Maybe it is best that my chickens stay egg-less, I think it would be the end of me if four of them did this to me every morning. I have now put my car seat pillow in Margo’s house, well I’m not sitting on it anymore, she laid an egg on it! Now to wrap some presents, hoover, mop, fold 3 loads of washing, bring the 8th last drinks up to kids still bleating, then sit down…and collate! well, evenings are for chilling....!

Monday, 13 December 2010

Lazy cow!


Goodness me, explaining the ways of the world can be tiring….."No, Alex-this time- Margo has never even seen a cock in her whole life, so no, it can never, ever be a life that egg…..” Explanation over, and egg retrieved, which was enormous if I do say so myself! The only trouble was that this time, Margo had laid the egg in the car. Yes, she had actually got into the car and was under the steering wheel on top of the cushion that I have to sit on to drive, given that I am a bit squat in my proportions, and it was a better solution at the time than attaching a wooden block to my foot or wearing “Special shoes”. That’s gonna need a wash then, the cushion. Well-done Margo!

It was 20 degrees here yesterday (a cold 20 degrees, but still, mild nonetheless), today however the temperatures have backtracked, runaway screaming the mild temperatures have, and left us in -1 frozenness. Alright, peeps in England, I know, not even close to the temperatures you have been suffering! It was so mild yesterday, that after the dog walk, we actually baked a cake outside, well it had to be cooked in the oven, but the rest was done outside, which is fabulous for me, as there was no clearing up needed. Brilliant! As I am a little obsessed with tidiness, and creative sessions with the kids can get me a wee bit edgy…..Well, in fairness, there’s paint flicked on walls, eggs cracked on the floor, clay caked in their hair….It is a hazardess task cooking/playing/walking/feeding/washing young-lings!

Having a rather spiritual conversation on the walk, Monty (my son of 7), announces that he believes both in Jah, and father Christmas, even though his friends don’t…..which was interesting learning! The walk was great fun, even though I did have both Lola (5 ½) and Esmie (2 ½) in the buggy. To top it all, the wheels were flat, and dragging against the road. I was heaving away under the strain, whilst having a one handed light sabre fight with Monty, trying not to let the buggy have it’s way and collapse on it’s side, injuring all and sundry in the process. And in all this, there is Mitzi gaily skipping along beside the buggy singing her heart out to various tunes I have never before heard in my life before, or since! And making the buggy tip from side-to-side as she goes along her merry little way. They have no idea do they?! But I guess the exercise does me good…..There has to be some positive doesn’t there?!

Alex has been collating and delivering leaflets like a Trojan this week, and I have done none. Lazy cow! You may think, but I still have endless ongoing paper sagas throughout France and it’s merry men. Which will take up my entire week too, next week. So here’s to more eggs, no collating and taking Make-Up Lady to the shops tomorrow!

Sunday, 12 December 2010

Where there is no cock (!) there will be no chicks….


The dog puking outside our bedroom wakes me up this morning. Fabulous start to the day, dog puke clear up duties…..There are worse things I suppose?! A successful trip to the Doctor’s yesterday (apart from getting myself hopelessly lost, as only I ever seem to be able to) should have forewarned me that, as the Yin Vs the Yang would have it, today was gonna be, trying. Trying it was. Dog puke cleared up, kids down for breakfast, whereupon I find my natural yoghurts have been spontaneously reproducing in the night, and I am bombarded by them all hurling themselves out of the fridge in a bid for freedom, as I go to get the milk for my tea. Yoghurt everywhere, I find myself once again instructing the dog sternly to “Lick it up!” Even though he has obviously just finished being sick. Poor sod. So the kids get natural yoghurts, cinnamon and cornflakes for brekkie.

Well, persevering with my day I had a brief moment to fly back in for a coffee, and see, as I feed the chickens…..an egg!!! Yey! My first egg, the kids later pass it around as though they are touching a weasel or something, wowing and so excited! To be fair, it has been a long time coming. Monty and Lola come over to me, they ask sincerely if we can keep the egg under Lola’s pillow so that we could have a chick. Here is where I explain that in fact, where there is no cock (!) there will be no chicks….All sounds rather inappropriate explaining this to a 7 and a 5 ½ yr old! But, there we go! Later on today, I find my second! Wow, two whole eggs, treats! And as I go to retrieve it, Marjorie runs out in her enthusiasm to see me, and squishes her egg….! As if?! She actually squishes her potential offspring (as I have just explained, actually, it will never be chicken, there is no cock…!) but she didn’t know this…..Well maybe she did, who am I to say differently?! So I am back down to one egg. Boo!

This evening after school, as it is a Friday night (which I LOVE), we go to the Bibliotech (library) after school, and spend ages there reading stories and then borrowing books. We come in, we eat a pizza all together, and watch a DVD. T.V dinner night….the one and only, and the best night! Plus, I have hardly any clearing up to do as the animals hover round and clear up as we go along….! BUT! (And with me, there is usually always a “but”, ask my dad!) At the Library, Makeup Lady is there! Sprung! She, when I ask how she is, tells me, without going into too much detail that she hates life. Dear me, poor girl, but at the same time, come on! Make an effort lady! So I offer to take her to the shops an Monday, as I say this the voices in my head stop singing Kylie Minogue (see earlier blog!), and start chanting “Fool, foolish woman, fool!”. Watch this space!

So that’s it, the weekend beckons, I am cold, and in fact, about to go and have a beer with my husband….how times are changing, I drink, now, too!

sorry all, going to kick my internet provider's ar*e...and hopefully be back blogging, back on line soon!