Tuesday, 13 December 2011

Dear Alex, something I wrote for you today....






December 13th

The days that were……

The days that were, are no longer,
The days that were, are passed,
In a moment, our days as were, slipped from our reach,
The days for me as they happened once, are no more,
The days for you, changed,
The days for us, no longer acquainted with us,
The days for our children, incomplete, your lack of presence their void of absence,
The days of walking, talking,
The days hand-in-hand,
The days by the beach,
All taken for granted,
The days we passed together,
The days you were working, the days I was too busy,
The days of a kiss goodbye, a wave, a ‘see you later’, gone,
The days of ‘fancy a cuppa?’
The days of togetherness,
The days of being in your arms,
The days of sleeping legs entwined,
The days when I was not alone…
The days of walks with the children, family moments, of happy fulfilled days,
The days of being together, all six, at the table, when will that be again?
The days we knew, the days we lived,
The days we understood,
The days as they were, when will they be again?
Yet a new understanding,
One of hope,
One of joy at the simplest of gestures,
One of endless belief, a new voyage,
A new path,
A new life,
The days we wait for now, not as they were,
But as they will be,
Days that could never have been, if we still possessed the days that were…



Monday, 12 December 2011

Dear Alex...Another letter, another day, another something gained....

December 11th 2011





Dear Alex,

Well, it was your mum’s birthday today, although she’ll murder me for saying this, it was her 70th. Your mum and dad and I came in to see you at lunch, to find you’d been moved! You are now in the High dependency Unit, awaiting transfer to St Jean De Luz, when they see you are ready, likely after Christmas. So we felt so positive, the room is much less clinical and sterile, and we do not even have to scrub up, although we do have to do our hands, that’s all…it’s much more accomodating.

Your mum and dad went in first, and then your mum stayed with me for a while, we had some smiles from you, and your mum and I chatted away, and then you pumped! We both burst out laughing, and asked why you hadn’t let us pull your finger before (your party trick for the kids) this made you smile and chuckle a little noiseless chuckle, and your mum left us together for a bit happy with her birthday present from you-a fart…times have changed!!!

Unfortunately my health has been going further and further down hill for a fortnight or so now, I now have a peptic stomach ulcer, the symptoms are rapidly getting dramatically worse, and my legs hardly drag my body around….and I, thus, am feeling weaker by the day, dropping weight and going on nerves. I can’t bear the shaking and trembling throughout my body which even my head does, any longer.

I hope I will regain my strength somehow, it is not easy fighting all this on my own, without you, especially being so physically rundown and weak, I just have no strength in me to do what I have to do, but I just cannot ‘STOP!’, as my body is crying out to me, I have no choice…


I have decided on the ‘kids not sleeping’ front to put some procedures in place. Most people refer to Monty and Lola as the ‘big two’ and Mitzi and Esmie as the ‘little two’ . Now with roughly a year’s difference between Mitzi and Lola, although height wise, they seem years apart, Lola in 8-year-old clothes, Mitzi barely in 5-year-olds’! This is a habit, which I have picked up on too. Esmie is very clingy at the moment, and with all the upheaval, all their behaviours are very justified, and it’s all very obvious why what is going on is going on. Esmie has reverted to ‘baby’ mode. Now, I decided to buy her a dummy. I chucked all their dummies in the bin no later than 18 months old each one, they only had them for sleeping, but they served a great purpose, especially whilst breastfeeding, sometimes they just needed to suck, so I have always used them. All the kids in Esmie’s class have dummies, and she is the only one without, it’s normal for a child up to the age of 6 at times to still have a dummy here in France. Now I am not saying I am going to keep this going till then, but I am in desperate times, and so have to resort to desperate measures.

I am now (and have explained clearly to all of them where they stand, and what their position is) explaining to Mitzi she is one of the ‘big ones’ and Esmie is still little and in need of some babying. As Mitzi is a big girl, I am now grouping her in with the big 3, in the hope this may re-instate some confidence in her, she will not be lost and misplaced as one of the ‘little ones’. Esmie thus, is now again, the ‘baby’, well the ‘little one’ and hence the dummy, and she will now be sleeping in my bed, and the big 3, as they are big and understand this, can take it on turns on the sofa, rather than 2 in the bed, one on the sofa, it’s been chaos quite honestly, bedtimes and night time. Tonight is the first night, and I am hoping and praying this will work, and Esmie will get the mummy time she misses since the sudden day when daddy disappeared, and she went to school fulltime 4 days a week, with not much mummy time for her on her own, as she was so used to this.

She is asleep now in my bed, with her dummy and her ‘dou dou’ a comforter in English. She was out like a light. I am not spending the first part of my evening and then long into the night running up and down the stairs to a screaming child. I feel the calm already.





I had such a lovely time with you today, and it seems you are more relaxed too in this room. As you can now breathe on your own, and have no need of the machine, this has enabled you to be moved, a step on…a BIG step on, one machine down. To begin with, over a fortnight we watched machines moving one at a time out of your room, finally breathing when the defibrillator was  taken away. Seeing that next to you was a constant reminder you could go at any minute.

How far we have come. And today, guess what you did, well, I know you know, but these letters are reminders to you, I told you how in love with you I was, and you slowly and deliberately blinked your eyes three times, I say ‘was that I love you, you just blinked 3 times to tell me you love me?’ and you blinked once for yes! Then a wee while after, after I had stopped crying and cuddling my face into yours, you blink your eyes three times again, and I reply to you ‘I love you too, my angel’. I did not ask you something, you told me something. Wow. Another first!

What a day, a fart and three blinks…you’re amazing Alex, I am so utterly overwhelmed by your strength, determination, your progress, with you. How did I manage to bagsy you as my man? I must have been an angel in a previous life to deserve such a person as you…

I miss you my baby, but I know you’re gradually coming back…we will walk down the aisle hand in hand for our 10 year wedding anniversary in 2 ½ years time-that’s our goal, and renew our vows, in front of the Most High, after all we have been through, in front of our kids, who for the moment have lost you, in front of family and friends, and man, what a party afterwards it will be, we will have deserved it, that’s for sure!


I love you, see you tomorrow,


Me xxx