Dear Alex, advancing...it's no small feat...
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| A goat pen, a baby Lola and a little Monty...WHITBY, our home of 5 years.... |
May 18th 2012
Dear Alex,
Evening bird song drowns the noise of the
continually turning washing machine as I sit and write to you now.
The days are long, the mornings early, a
bombardment of porridge cooking ensues the minute I open my eyes. I count my
five things to be grateful for and give thanks to the Most High before I answer
the ‘mum, we’re hungry’ cries from our four little loved beings.
It is cheating, I know, but the first one
always on my list every morning is ‘thanks for these kids’. The privilege to
bring them up, share in their growth and exploration of their world. It
never fails to draw a smile, even at 5 am!
Facing a move next week, paperwork, another
‘You’ project with a meeting on Wednesday for this, I find my evenings
straining my eyes at a computer screen, until late every night. I sip fruit
teas and eat custard creams (another joy of England!) and run up and downstairs
to the occasional crying child, thriving on the fact that their dependency and
comfort is reached.
I calm their cries, listen to the sobs of yet
another ear infection, a lost dou-dou, and ‘but it was supposed to my turn in
your bed, mum’ assorted cries…
You ate nearly half a chocolate yoghurt
yesterday! The physios (in your physio sessions) support your middle in a big walking frame
(3 people at a time) and you managed 60 metres the other day! Left leg dragging, but right leg powering! It is all essential
training, re-education, and you seem to be advancing slowly but advancing
nonetheless. (One day we'll burn that wheel chair baby!)
You have your good and you have your bad days.
Days you’re too tired, it’s all too much, you’re distressed and cry when I
arrive and when I leave. These are the most difficult days. Your good days, you
see you are improving, as miniscule as it may seem, you are able to grasp this.
My life flashes by, the weeks clock up, but the
days feel like a time warp, dragging like years, decades, and each evening as I
sit to write to you, I try and qualm the thoughts of ‘how long will we be here
for?’ the feelings of being utterly lost, tackling all I do with no you by my side.
I even tried going out, well staying at a friend’s
house with the kids, the other night, and as I was far from my comfort zone of
doing ‘this’ ‘you’ just this and you and the kids, I wobbled. I felt foolish as
I suddenly cried over the curry the other guests had prepared (I cooked the popadoms!)
but I had no way of stopping it, it’s like tidal waves of sadness as I just
drift off into a world missing you, your love, your support.
Normal life is just so alien to me, I guess! I
will never sit around whinging, swallowing self-pity pills, I will always put
that smile on, push on through, but I find days where I cry over choosing tea
in a supermarket, seeing dads on their bikes with their kids riding along…But I
have come to accept this is all part of it…
It’s been nearly 8 months, and oh what a
journey this has been, and it’s not finished yet! There’s no way I could have
been prepared for any of this-nor you. No way of preparing for the
future-there’s no road map, we don’t know where we’re going, no one’s there to
give directions either, as there are none…it’s a world unknown, a lonely one,
despite friends and family, without you. Because who can replace you???
I am always occupied with something, moving
next week with my amazing French friends coming over coincidentally the week I
really will require help!They were there too to help move me back in such a rush to England...
It goes without saying all I really want is
you, but I throw myself into the world I am in at the moment-determined to make
all I can with it…
Slow, and arduous and painful this is all that…let’s
keep looking to the Light, for the light, trusting in the Most High, and that
with love, prayer and support, we will conquer this all…
Well I had better pack some more boxes before
it turns midnight! And you will see the kids on (almighty form as always) tomorrow!
Oh for an ounce of their energy!!
God Bless you baby, as you sleep tonight, dream
of our bed and a house where we can all be together again one day…
Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx
Tamsyn, I stumbled upon your blog by accident a few months ago. I am so astounded by your eloquence, by your compassion, by your love for Alex and your children. It is incredible to read about the progress that he has made with your never failing love and support.
ReplyDeleteGod bless you and your family x