Friday, 18 May 2012

Dear Alex, advancing...it's no small feat...



A goat pen, a baby Lola and a little Monty...WHITBY, our home of 5 years....




May 18th 2012

Dear Alex,

Evening bird song drowns the noise of the continually turning washing machine as I sit and write to you now.

The days are long, the mornings early, a bombardment of porridge cooking ensues the minute I open my eyes. I count my five things to be grateful for and give thanks to the Most High before I answer the ‘mum, we’re hungry’ cries from our four little loved beings.

It is cheating, I know, but the first one always on my list every morning is ‘thanks for these kids’. The privilege to bring them up, share in their growth and exploration of their world. It never fails to draw a smile, even at 5 am!

Facing a move next week, paperwork, another ‘You’ project with a meeting on Wednesday for this, I find my evenings straining my eyes at a computer screen, until late every night. I sip fruit teas and eat custard creams (another joy of England!) and run up and downstairs to the occasional crying child, thriving on the fact that their dependency and comfort is reached.

I calm their cries, listen to the sobs of yet another ear infection, a lost dou-dou, and ‘but it was supposed to my turn in your bed, mum’ assorted cries…

You ate nearly half a chocolate yoghurt yesterday! The physios (in your physio sessions) support your middle in a big walking frame (3 people at a time) and you managed 60 metres the other day! Left leg dragging, but right leg powering! It is all essential training, re-education, and you seem to be advancing slowly but advancing nonetheless. (One day we'll burn that wheel chair baby!)

You have your good and you have your bad days. Days you’re too tired, it’s all too much, you’re distressed and cry when I arrive and when I leave. These are the most difficult days. Your good days, you see you are improving, as miniscule as it may seem, you are able to grasp this.

My life flashes by, the weeks clock up, but the days feel like a time warp, dragging like years, decades, and each evening as I sit to write to you, I try and qualm the thoughts of ‘how long will we be here for?’ the feelings of being utterly lost, tackling all I do with no you by my side.

I even tried going out, well staying at a friend’s house with the kids, the other night, and as I was far from my comfort zone of doing ‘this’ ‘you’ just this and you and the kids, I wobbled. I felt foolish as I suddenly cried over the curry the other guests had prepared (I cooked the popadoms!) but I had no way of stopping it, it’s like tidal waves of sadness as I just drift off into a world missing you, your love, your support.

Normal life is just so alien to me, I guess! I will never sit around whinging, swallowing self-pity pills, I will always put that smile on, push on through, but I find days where I cry over choosing tea in a supermarket, seeing dads on their bikes with their kids riding along…But I have come to accept this is all part of it…

It’s been nearly 8 months, and oh what a journey this has been, and it’s not finished yet! There’s no way I could have been prepared for any of this-nor you. No way of preparing for the future-there’s no road map, we don’t know where we’re going, no one’s there to give directions either, as there are none…it’s a world unknown, a lonely one, despite friends and family, without you. Because who can replace you???

I am always occupied with something, moving next week with my amazing French friends coming over coincidentally the week I really will require help!They were there too to help move me back in such a rush to England...

It goes without saying all I really want is you, but I throw myself into the world I am in at the moment-determined to make all I can with it…

Slow, and arduous and painful this is all that…let’s keep looking to the Light, for the light, trusting in the Most High, and that with love, prayer and support, we will conquer this all…

Well I had better pack some more boxes before it turns midnight! And you will see the kids on (almighty form as always) tomorrow!  Oh for an ounce of their energy!!

God Bless you baby, as you sleep tonight, dream of our bed and a house where we can all be together again one day…



Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Wednesday, 16 May 2012

Dear Alex, Reason # 377...



Reason 377:  Nurturing cuddles with my distraught girl who can't get her pony tail right!



Walking around, getting on with life, mourning a life, a happiness, a path, a best friend, a protector and being SO aware that our little souls of joy-our kids, we as parents have just one chance to get their childhood right, to get the rhythm of their inner beings right, it's a responsibility and a half!

How, how in this life full of haste, ingratitude on such a level we feel justified in wanting or feel have the right to, do we achieve this?

It's funny, when I first moved back to England, everything I saw, I saw in a negative light-I hated the place I was in, unfamiliar, grey rainy England, no mountains, no eagles to watch! flat country side, road kill because there's too many of us on the roads... I resented all, I just wanted my life as I knew it back...

Then I realised, I was being wrung dry by the practice of basic ingratitude, determinedly closing my eyes to what I really did have.

I decided to take charge! I tried changing my vision, externally, to tilt the looking glass, and how I saw things from within...

I started literally 'counting my blessings'...naming them, not allowing myself out of bed (still don't) until I had found 5 things to be grateful and thankful for.

Whether it be sticky hand prints on the mirror- they grow so fast, I won't be cleaaning these off forever.

Whether it be the porridge they've made a mountain out of on the middle of the carpeted floor- thankful for their imagination, sense of adventure, fun, that I have porridge in the cupboard (well not any more!) for them to play with, a hoover!

It starts freefalling, blessings are everything we have, and as we chose to open our eyes to them, the world grows, we grow...

Now on my Birthday I was given a book- It is this:




And reading it affirmed the path I was on, it gave me a reason deeper for doing what I was doing, and it has changed my life.

The mourning and grief I feel is laced with thanks and gratitude and JOY for what I do have...Who'd have thought I could smile a real smile under the circumstances? But I do, and plenty...

The challenge is to get to 1000 gifts, hence the title! I have put up my 377th reason above, and I carry on, determined to get to 1000 and beyond!


I SO recommend this book...










disclaimer: I was not paid for doing this post.