Saturday, 24 November 2012

Dear Alex, Decisions...



I keep finding these old pictures...a very young Monty and Lola...


24th November 2012

Dear Alex,

The good news is, there may be a house suitable, the bad news is, it’s an hour from here, we would have to start all over again…

If I am honest, I am in two minds. We could start all over again, but then to lose what we have here, the friends, the support, the church, the school. The bit of stability I have worked so hard to maintain for the kids. Haven’t they been through enough?

And if I move the family again, you would be moving home, yes, but there’s going to be a huge adaptation process, the kids will realise that having you home is going to be very consuming time wise for me. I won’t be as disposable for them as I am. My attention wont be solely for them when we are all in the house, I’ll have a lot of caring to do for you. So do I move everyone? Start all over, new schools, new friends, new area, you move back and the kids feel pushed out or find it difficult.

You have mood swings, your anger escalates and has no lid you can put on, and you shout, yell, lash out, strike anyone in your path…

And you living at home again, isn’t going to be living with the same daddy they had before.

I want you home, we will have to adapt, and we will, I’ll make sure the kids are ok, we will talk, and I’ll help them through the adjustment. But I want to do that in the safety of where we live now. The problem is, there’s no houses here for that…

So it looks like I have no choice…

I have no idea what to do. If I want you home (and I DO!!) then I am going to have to move-trouble is, I feel like it might be the straw that broke the camel’s back…

The ridiculous thing is, you have progressed so much recently! Your speech so much clearer, more lucid, you even remembered we had a new car!! AMAZING! This is SUCH progress! You retained some information, a little short-term memory! I should be revelling in this! Not allowing myself to become lost in the other stresses...

The flip side is, you call for me, all the time, you don’t understand why I cannot be there. You cry when I arrive, cry when I leave, begging me to take you home with me. You have no idea why I can’t…

All I can do is what I am doing, pushing to get you home, being with you every hour I can be…

I am going to bring you home, we just need to hold out a little longer baby…

Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 20 November 2012

Dear Alex, "Do not worry about tomorrow..."



An early visit, back in France, Alex's 33rd Birthday...



November 19th 2012

Dear Alex,

Coarse ground coffee, smell potent and rich, hot milk, frothy, sugared and it’s ready. You smell, inhale the taste to come, reach to the table, slightly jerkily bring it to where you anticipate your mouth to be. It’s getting there, we’re getting there, but there’s still a very long way to go…

It’s become about living in the present, offering praise, thanks, gratitude for the very moment we are in. life restricts, it takes away, it leaves you fraught and breathless and worrying for the next day. The future too much sometimes when we face it with all the what ifs and maybes and can you imagine ifs…

Someone once said “Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” He was right. I am learning this message. Tomorrow has many worries, it can overwhelm you so much it scars the moment, stifles any freedom, joy, appreciation. Jesus had it sussed!

The council have us in band 2 for housing-brief explanation; not really that urgent. This is my next step. I got you safely to Chalfont Lodge, now you unsettle as you realise it’s unfamiliar, readjusting and unable to make sense. It’s an hour from me, the drives are long. Each time I have to leave, you cry, sob, asking me to take you home. Shards of burning pain and helplessness, eyes sting with fear, anxiety, sore with repressed tears, trying to be strong for the children, for you.

I need the council to listen, we need to be in band 1, this is an urgent housing need, how can they NOT see that? Fobbing me off as a not-so-urgent case.

I may have to start again, move out of area, there is just not a house here.

So, with all that facing me, I am trying to be brave. I am (with having had a tooth extracted yesterday morning!) in pain and tired. A long drive to do now to see you.

I will trust, I will ask, I will pray, I will hope…

I will not be crushed, I will thank God for all the things I do have, the moments that are beautiful, the leaves blowing in sudden arrays of dancing yellow, gold, brown. The chitter chatter of four beautiful souls around a table, porridge warm, hot tea in the pot. I will give thanks for the friends that wink as I pass by, who message me, support me who listen. I will give thanks for the food I have, the day that I have been given.

And I will keep giving thanks, because that is living in the moment, life not racing by in the same way, over before you know it.

You can’t catch life as it races by- you have to stand firm in it, in the present, by being grateful for each second of what we are blessed with. That’s what slows it down, gives you a ‘grip’…

So as I begin the next quest-finding a house, imploring the council to take my situation seriously, moving me up into band 1. Maybe even moving again…I will continue to give thanks.


Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx