Saturday, 23 March 2013

Friday, 22 March 2013

Dear Alex, Evenings with you...

22nd March 2013


Dear Alex,

Afternoon helping out at school, I collect the nine children coming home with me tonight and set off on a frantic walk home with all nine of them, thankfully one is in a pushchair! The kids have various friends round, one of them a sleepover.

It's cakes I baked yesterday and drinks for the apparent starving children. Then they all decide to play, whilst I rush around confiscating recorders when I just couldn't take any more, and hiding batteries from noises toys, they have plenty to amuse them without deafening me in the process!

I'm happy tonight and anticipate your return. I've checked taxis are booked so there will be no mishaps, I've moved furniture out the way and cooked sweet potato wedges, with garlic and onions, made humous and chickpea burgers, a meal we haven't eaten together since living in France.

Just five kids left upstairs now, two sleep, three have a midnight feast at 9 pm! My legs rest across yours on the sofa, blanket covers us for warmth and you sing along to Bob Marley. And I laugh with you and you have hold of my leg in your hand, and I'm overwhelmed with love.

Still not much news on the house front, still nothing I can do. There's a few avenues being investigated, I must just sit tight for now, not usually my nature so I am finding it hard.

I must get the three remaining awake kids to sleep now!

And then we can carry on listening to 'Redemption song' which, when I tell you it's my favourite Bob Marley song, you tell me it isn't yours, it used to be, but you love all his songs now. You express opinion, memory, we are in for a lovely evening!

I love you honey.


Me xxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 19 March 2013

Dear Alex, A Step Up

20th March 2013


Dear Alex,

Crow clutches twig in its claws, flying determinedly against rain and winds to build a nest for its unborn young. First day of Spring and birds seem to sing their song all day despite the weather, celebrating the start of a new season. A season of new life and hope of renewed colour and beautiful blossoms. A season of movement and life and I love Spring.


Bedtime stories and they cuddle me tight, these beautiful children of ours. I bask in their 'mummy?' Followed by completely inappropriate random question. In their big eyes that burn bright and glisten with enthusiasm and mouths red lipped and various teeth fallen out and bigger teeth that are half grown/fully grown, I lap it all up and recharge my batteries full of 'how blessed I am to have these growing little people' love and gratitude.

The whole day I passed with you, my routine now Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday is spent in the Nursing Home with you, then Friday to Monday you're home where you belong and for 4 whole days everything feels right and how it should be. Yes, OK it throws up other difficulties, but I'd rather those than face the life we were leading when I couldn't even have you home at all.

It must be drawing closer a house for us all, that magical, miracle solution... It has to be.

I'm so encouraged by your banter recently, it seems you have made a step up with your speech and ability to understand and make appropriate and often witty comments! You have one proud wife at the moment and I love you.

I'm so pleased 11 years ago you picked me!


Me xxxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 17 March 2013

Dear Alex, Bursting With Pride.

18th March 2013


Dear Alex,


Sometimes I look at you when you lie next to me on the sofa or when you sit surrounded by us all, your family, your mouth contorting, pouting and twisting your eyes flickering. When I allow myself to think about what hits me at times, my heart aches for you, the sadness I feel for you, if you knew this had happened, if you knew this was going to happen, if you could see yourself as you are now...how you would weep.

So I catch myself each time and shake the thought out of my head, replacing it with thoughts of how far you've come and what you've achieved.

It's been a lot of that these past 18 months, catching myself caught up in a particular behaviour or thought process, then teaching myself to be aware enough of how I am and then determined enough to challenge this and change! It's not been easy or plain sailing though. And each time I pull myself up, challenge and change, I realise how much further I need to go to be better and bigger emotionally and spiritually and in my roles as mummy and wife.

My sacred moment today was your touching my face, stroking my cheek, kissing my nose and saying 'you're beautiful'.

After a wipe out of a weekend for you, you just lay around not wanting to get up, subdued and fatigued, you were quiet and accepting when you went back to the Care Home, saying to Esmie who began to cry ' it's OK, I'll be be back soon, won't I?'

So you're understanding and anticipating coming home? Wow! Even more progress, you understood, weren't torn apart by going back, you reassured Esmie even. Just amazing.

Well done my angel, I am just bursting with pride at the moment...


Me xxxxxxxxxxxx