Saturday, 27 July 2013

Friday, 26 July 2013

Dear Alex, 'I don't understand, why me?'




Dear Alex,

'What's our new house called?' I ask you, sitting outside with the kids, a friend who stops for a while to see us all is there, I want you to tell her what it's called, but I haven't reminded you what it's called for weeks now...

'Agape'

You say this to my utter astonishment, my delight, and I shower you with kisses of wonderment! Wonder at how aware you seem, how I can see so much of you...

You keep asking for me to take you home, I keep having to explain the house move and patience, you say yo are 'p*ss*d off now, can't take any more' and I almost gawp at you, you talk like before, often, your speech clearer, slightly, your choice of words, YOUR choice...

You say something rude to me with a smirk, I say 'as if you talk to me like that Alex Wood!' And you say 'as if I can't Tamsyn Wood!'

I'm just astonished...it's like you have surfaced a bit, no, not a bit, a lot!

Ok, you have huge barriers to surmount, but you talk all most like before in your word choice, your humour, your questions.

You have said this week you wished you could talk, you wished you could write, you wished you could see...

You said earlier to me, when you ask me 'what happened, why can't I just come home?' I reply we are moving, you have but a few weeks to wait, I explain how your injury occurred, you do cry, of course you do, but you want to know, so I'm not about to hold back information from you that you asked for, then you say

'I don't understand, why me?'

Oh honey, I can't express the insane mixture of emotions, on the one hand, how can I console you, how can I possible walk you, talk you, comfort you through this?? But on the other hand, for me, I see YOU! 

YOU!

It feels like you my angel, finally, coming round...

Nearly 2 years I have waited for this moment, waited for you to ask questions such as these...demonstrating you understand and are able to communicate questions surrounding your realisation that you are not how you once used to be...

I have never heard questions from you so articulated, so precise, so heartbreaking...

Baby, I am never going to pretend I know what it is like for you, the repetitive nightmare I have must come close, although when I wake, it's over, your reality of this never is. But I love you, I love you through the stars and back again, I love you with every ounce of everything I have and I have that love to carry you back, to help you, reassure you and be with you every step of the impossible way.

I can't answer your 'I don't understand, why me?' I tell you this, I tell you I spent a long while wondering, praying over this...I don't understand why you...I can't give you the answer. All I can do is tell you that eventually, you have to say, why not me? It happens to so many. Without patronising, because I don't want to pretend it's easy to accept. But I can only reassure you that what we once had, we now have ten fold. Because our love has lived what thousands of relationships, millions even, has never been out through. And our love is stronger than ever, that I, I, am here forever and we will see it all through together...

That I don't understand why, but all I know is that I love you, and we are never going to quit.


Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Tuesday, 23 July 2013

Dear Alex, I've changed.

23rd July 2013




Dear Alex,


Sitting in the garden for almost the last time for another year. The weather now grey, my thoughts reaching only to you now. I miss you too much.

My body doesn't know how to react. My nerves and heart have been all over the place since I left. 

Although I've changed.

Since your accident, since the last time I was here, I have changed.

Not just physically, although I have gained 7 kilos. But in all things. My thoughts, the way I cope, the way I am, the way I do things. 

The shock has petered out, the crash so sudden, the ripples are evident, I ride them, with that much more control. Knowing my emotions, knowing the moments I must let go, the moments I need to hold on and never let go.

Although I still can't believe you had the accident, that this is life as we know it now. It's not a shock to me very minute, every second of everyday, as I say, it's more like I ebb through ripples. 

At times I feel I will drown, I feel so violently the cascades of fear and sadness and grief of missing you. But I am strong enough now to say to myself now that you are how you are and I am dealing with it through the heaviest of emotions.

I know what I know now. I know I have become independent, dealt with a hideous tragedy and deal with everyday the consequences, for nearly two years. I see the people who go out of their way to be by my side, those who dip in and out as it is convenient at their time in their life. Those who live their lives and carry on living them. Those who remain true, who remain present and think they do nothing, although their very presence, the fact I know I can just cry or laugh or be with them, because they take the time to be with me, they take their time to think of me.

My friends in france feel an impotence, but even they don't realise what they do in thinking of me, raising money to bring me over to france to be looked after by them. How I love these friends here, how I will miss them again...keeping the contact at a distance, boasting me when I need it via Skype!

I know who I am. 

I know what I know.

I know how often my path changes and how it busts me for a day, then I force myself back. I accept the different route I now have to go.

And those kids of ours Alex, they will never know how, through their smile, their laughs, their tears, their tantrums, their fights, their sharing and their kindness, their strength, incomparable, their beauty, their delight, their childlike minds, that from their hairs on their head to the tips of their toes, they give me a strength, a force that I would never have had had it not been for them.

Every single day I do not get up from my bed till I have given thanks and praise for them.

A day or so now till I get back to you... A day or so now till I have you in my arms, till I feel you, see you again.




Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Photo time...

Monday, 22 July 2013

Dear Alex, In the waves.



Dear Alex,


He pulls me up off the towel in the sun, covered in sand, dripping sea water from face, hair and body 'come on mum, come in with me in the waves, it's great fun, it's epic!' Our boy, finding happiness, letting go, in the sea for hours and hours and hours since we arrived here!

And it was that...not your letters, not tangible memories, not surfers coming out of the sea where you used to be and surf and love, that remind me of you. But it was playing at body surfing in the sea with our boy that pushed the tears over board , which cascade down my face, and I cannot stop them and they keep on flowing like the waves we are playing in side-by-side. 

It's his pure joy, his childish delight, his excitement as we are battered by waves in the sun.

It used to be you.


The person next to him in the sea, it used to be you, Alex, and won't ever be again...

All I can do is be in the moment with him, despite my tears. At least, thank the Most High, I can replace you a bit, for a while.

But it just doesn't seem fair, and I can't tell you, I can't go home, slump beside you and cry on your shoulder and have you tell me 'it's ok, I'm getting stronger, I'll be back soon'. You can't support me through any of this, and it's only you who can, only you I need.

Monty senses it. He knows, he squeezes tight my hand, looking up at me with your eyes, asking me 'are you ok, mum?' So I explain I'm sad you're not here, sad for him that you can't be in the sea with him, he says he knows, shrugs his shoulders, holds my hand a bit tighter and we stay together, clung to each other laughing through the pain.

And it stings.


Goodnight my angel, it's only a few days till I see you again now...


Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Dear Alex, Holiday photos...

After a loooong night, she gives up at midnight and Esmie sleeps in my arms.
Lola and her friend, they have been friends since they were 3-years-old, I used to teach him English!


Childhood friends and friends for life 


Xxxxxxxx

Sunday, 21 July 2013

Dear Alex, your letters to me...

20th July 2013




Dear Alex,


Sun sets after a long day bathing in the sea with the kids. Their smiles radiate more vividly than the sun.

They are tucked up in bed and I sit on the beach with a wonderful friend. Just her and me. I have a bag, full of all your letters from the years we have been together. We talk, watch the sunset and the waves crash. One of your letters talks of the beach at Whitby, you are life guarding and sat in 'gale force winds' you write, in Summertime. At this point, out of nowhere winds break open in their force on the beach. I too, find myself sitting on a beach in the middle of summer with forceful winds...

The bag with all your letters has a few photos in. Huge blue eyes, long dark ringlets, mouth open wide smiling in our first months together...you. 

My Alex.

My you...

I have wanted this, I have been so afraid of this, that somehow reading the letters means I am admitting the truth, you are no longer who you were once. That somehow in reading them would open a sore that will never heal. That in reading them it would finalise the 'never again'...

But now in bed and writing this, it did not. I am ok.

I expected to cry, expected it would mean I would never be able to face our life as it is now, again...that it would fill me with a despair of the finality of what has happened...

But I smile, it brought back so many memories. Beautiful and raw. Memories of what you used to call me, of places we lived of dreams we had, that you had...

And I don't really understand why I didn't cry.

And I still await the tears, the raw emotion and the tears...but none of it came.

I wanted it too, it is a place we always used to go, the beach you surfed a million times. The beach we trailed litres of water, tents to shade babies, picnics, the dog, swimming costumes, towels, sun cream in gallons...I was safe, too, to 'feel' what we have lost...

But I think I still can't.

Maybe it's that?

That I have spent nearly 2 years living what we live, nearly 2 years blocking off an 'out of limits' area with an iron door firmly shut on top of the fact that you as you once were has truly gone.

I don't think I will ever be brave enough to face that.

Ever.

They are read, the letters, for the first time in nearly 2 years. It's done. I did something I was truly afraid of doing, and strangely I feel ok. Despite not being able to make sense as to why...


I miss you honey,

I will be back in a few days, then it will be but weeks until we move...




Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Dear Alex,

20th July 2013




Dear Alex,


Sun sets after a long day bathing in the sea with the kids. Their smiles radiate more vividly than the sun.

They are tucked up in bed and I sit on the beach with a wonderful friend. Just her and me. I have a bag, full of all your letters from the years we have been together. We talk, watch the sunset and the waves crash. One of your letters talks of the beach at Whitby, you are life guarding and sat in 'gale force winds' you write, in Summertime. At this point, out of nowhere winds break open in their force on the beach. I too, find myself sitting on a beach in the middle of summer with forceful winds...

The bag with all your letters has a few photos in. Huge blue eyes, long dark ringlets, mouth open wide smiling in our first months together...you. 

My Alex.

My you...

I have wanted this, I have been so afraid of this, that somehow reading the letters means I am admitting the truth, you are no longer who you were once. That somehow in reading them would open a sore that will never heal. That in reading them it would finalise the 'never again'...

But now in bed and writing this, it did not. I am ok.

I expected to cry, expected it would mean I would never be able to face our life as it is now, again...that it would fill me with a despair of the finality of what has happened...

But I smile, it brought back so many memories. Beautiful and raw. Memories of what you used to call me, of places we lived of dreams we had, that you had...

And I don't really understand why I didn't cry.

And I still await the tears, the raw emotion and the tears...but none of it came.

I wanted it too, it is a place we always used to go, the beach you surfed a million times. The beach we trailed litres of water, tents to shade babies, picnics, the dog, swimming costumes, towels, sun cream in gallons...I was safe, too, to 'feel' what we have lost...

But I think I still can't.

Maybe it's that?

That I have spent nearly 2 years living what we live, nearly 2 years blocking off an 'out of limits' area with an iron door firmly shut on top of the fact that you as you once were has truly gone.

I don't think I will ever be brave enough to face that.

Ever.

They are read, the letters, for the first time in nearly 2 years. It's done. I did something I was truly afraid of doing, and strangely I feel ok. Despite not being able to make sense as to why...


I miss you honey,

I will be back in a few days, then it will be but weeks until we move...




Me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Thought for the day #16