Saturday, 17 August 2013

Dear Alex, Fear and guilt...


once upon a time....







Dear Alex,


Fears creep, twist, silently at first, dismissed at first. Then tiredness, guilt, feed them and they regain strength, nourish themselves on the less silent 'what if's?' 'How will I?'s...

Two years I have been in agony....

What if you can't control your anger, you go through another of 'those' phases. unspeakably painful, lonely, exhausting. terrifying for me, those soulful kids of ours.

What if the operation does not work?

What if the kids feel I have left them, as I am so much caught up with you- that I have moved them, made them start again, and they feel they have lost their security, their friends, their daddy and their mummy?

How will I deal with the guilt?

How will they know I love them and I am doing what I believe is best...?

Will they hate me? Blame me? Silently, and it will grow and one day they will turn round and point out all the wrong I did?

I have lost you to all intents and purposes, will I lose them too?

What if the new carers are not your type of person?

What if you do not get the feeling, the movement back in your left leg?

What if you do not progress?

What if being by the sea makes you worse as you become more aware and realise you are not the same person living by the sea?

What if, what if, oh honey...what if?

Those gifts from The Most High to us, I have to do it all right for them- it's their future, ultimately it is about them and not us...


I am just tired and scared.

Very scared, and I can't hide from the fears, because you are not by my side to run things by, to calm my worries...


This is a new chapter, I am trying hard to organise everything.


You, Alex, are at the heart of everything I do...Those wonderful angel beings of ours, are at the heart of everything I do...

I just hope I do this well, that I am there for you all, that I look after you all and do it better than I could ever have imagined... because you and the kids are my world.


I write this in tears, because I am just afraid tonight, afraid of today, tomorrow and the future.





me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Thursday, 15 August 2013

Dear Alex, Expectations.

15th August 2013






Dear Alex,


Holidays, playing days, long days, never a minute's peace days! Picnic days, happy days, breaking up kids arguing days, hearing them playing and stopping and breathing in the smile that spreads across my soul for how blessed I am days...Most days there are seven or more kids here one way or another, they traipse in and out, laughing, plotting, being very sweet! I cook a vat of Quorn Bolognese as they all play together, and I know how much I will miss having the house full of neighbours' kids. It's a lovely little part of the town where I live, with supportive friendly neighbours whom I will miss...especially their kids!

I suppose I am making headway on the packing, although it seems never ending- the de cluttering, the loading the car for trips to charity shops, extra bin fulls, trips to see you, entertainment for the kids- cooking, picnics, clearing, meetings at the Care home for organising the transfer, planning out letter-by-letter all the intricate details of your transition. In amongst all this, I had confirmed the other day that the operation we have been waiting for is on the 17th September. Nineteen months we have been waiting for this operation- to put back in the bone flap in your skull.

There is no postponing it, we will travel back up for it, so I am trying to arrange childcare, coming back up, staying somewhere, and the use of a car if I come back up with you in the ambulance, as I will need to be by your side, constantly. You will be in hospital, if all goes well, for 7-10 days.

To be honest I am petrified. 

There is evidence to suggest repairing the bone flap helps greatly with regaining cognitive functions and neurological advances. This is because it readjusts the fluid pressure around the brain- 'normalising' this. 

Your head will look normal too, once the swelling goes down.

It does carry risks.

And I will try harder not to entertain these, because each time I think about sending you off to an operation, tubes in, prostrate on a stretcher, it jolts a wave of queasiness, unrest, unease, I feel light headed, and my heart pounds.

I must try harder to trust the Most High in this- He has brought you thus far...

 It will be like the final 'maybe this will be it, the thing that miraculously helps you advance...' will be done, and I don't want to have those expectations, they weigh too heavily on the half of me that left when you had your accident.

I will try not to have expectations, try not to think about the risks...


I feel sick even writing this.


And I wish that voice, that one saying 'what if it all goes amazingly, and it fixes him more than you ever imagined' would stop.




me xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx


Tuesday, 13 August 2013

Please be patient...




Please be patient...


Please be patient with me I don't live fully in your world anymore.

Please be patient with me, I'm not who I was, I lost a part of me.

Please be patient with the things I do, the ways I am, the things I say that you may not understand.

When 'that day' hit our lives as a tidal wave shatters a shore, so our lives, 
Our dreams,
Our hopes
Our companionship
Was shattered.

Please be patient with me, 'our' world has had to become 'my'

My dreams for you, 
My hopes for the family

I wait patiently for companionship, your counsel, your advice, to return.

Please be patient with me, 
What happened changed me.

Be patient with me, as I do not expect your understanding, your pity or your comprehension,
Patience will do.

Patience as I make sense of my world again,
As I learn how to live and breathe without what I used to have.

Please be patient as I am not always brave or wise or right,
I am vulnerable, volatile, 
Often alone within this fight.

Please be patient as I lost something no one will ever truly understand.

Be patient 

I'm sorry

Give me that and know it willl never be just a question of 'giving me time'.