Thursday, 24 October 2013
As I tap the keys on the keyboard, sip nettle and cleaver tea, I feel plastered to the bed where I sit, I cannot stay downstairs of an evening, as it would disturb you, and if you do sleep, I am terrified I will wake you. It is better that I hide away in the spare room, which has now become my room, upstairs.
What a difference a day makes. Today you have been happy, full of smiles and clear speech and jovial. It has been such a contrast from yesterday, you even happily had a sleep in the day, and I have checked on you and you are awake, murmuring a bit but perfectly calm in bed now.
What I have learned from how I feel today is how fluid feelings are, especially love. How palpable, malleable and high and deep and wide and long... How, if the feelings come from the 'right place' with a belief and a hope even if the hope is for unknown betters or unknown happier times, a more even equilibrium of existence. I have learned through the 2 years I have been going through these highs and depths of emotions that as long as your soul and heart, ultimately that your love is pure-with all the elements that incorporates, compassion, understanding, kindness, stoicism, the ability to rise above things, to endure and persist-these myriad characteristics which if you define love, you will find yourself writing. After yesterday, I felt abandoned, alone, hopeless, exhausted of any power or energy and nothing but endurance. But even this is part of love, is still resounding from the umbrella of love.
I just need to accept, as I think I do, but in the dark deep moments of the days like yesterday, your head and heart become blurred, foggy and the pain becomes the picture that rips through.
But for today, I have learned a lesson, I am happier tonight than yesterday and we are going to be at the new Rehab place all day tomorrow, which is a positive step towards building you back up again. And honey, you deserve all the chances and help you can get to move you forward with this.
To happier times baby,
Posted by Manic Mum at 22:10
Monday, 21 October 2013
Old faithful, man's best friend, soppiest thing who has brought me to some of my best and very good friends. People stop in the street, you draw people, such is your humble, loving, gentle nature...
Old faithful who sat and followed around each newborn for 3 days each time, just watching, never leaving them out of your sight, guarding, protecting, loving in a way you as a dog could.
And our time is running out together. Maybe a few weeks. It is a tumour and they cannot operate. It is too close to the brain.
And tears have streamed endlessly all day, as I remember the great times, how Oliver came into my life 2 months before I met the love of my life- you Alex. Oliver has accompanined me every inch of way. Never left my side. Pined for you whilst you were first gone, and then jumped in the car every time I visitied you after that. Gave you a hero's welcome when you had your first visit home.
And I will have to make the decision alone, be alone as I leave the vets without my old faithful, my Oliver. No you Alex to be by my side, to comfort me, hearts aching together for the loss of our most faithful friend.
As you hear the news, your face crumples, 'I will miss him SO much' you say, so clearly. Oliver sits on your lap and you cry into his wet, rained on stinking fur! You have also remembered it, want to speak to your parents again tonight to tell them how sad you are, you have remembered.
I cannot think about the inevitable, I will not let him suffer, not you Oliver, not for one minute, I will make sure you go before that, in my arms, cuddled and wrapped up in love, and scatter your ashes on the beach-your favourite place to be.
You're a dog who has been described as stupid beyond stupid, but highly emotionally intelligent! Maybe now we have come full circle, we are all back together as a family, in the place we will always be, it is his time to go...
But for me, there will never be the right time to not have his presence.
The dishwasher, the washing machine broke beyond repair as well today, and I feel winded. Sore.
My old faithful, my best friend, thank you for the time, the comfort and support you have been, all the way through these past 12-and-a-half years.
Posted by Manic Mum at 21:13
Sunday, 20 October 2013
Storm rolls in as we go for a late afternoon stroll on the cliffs. Past the Haunted House, expanses of choppy grey sea stretching as far as the eye can see, revealed, clouds forboding, snatches of orange and blue sky.
We get in just in time, and warm up, you had dozed in your chair and didn't want to come out. You now cry out downstairs in bed. However, if I go to you, you become worse, more agitated, so I hope soon, your calling out will tail off and you will sleep.
It has been a week of trying to sit all the goings on out, trying to do nothing rash, but discover slowly what the next course of action is for you. I see even from the amount of time you have been home, your body regaining strength, you can sit unaided with your right arm propping you up on the side of the bed. OK, this is where you were at over a year ago, but this you lost at the Care Home. I have pangs of feeling cheated, deceived, that you went there, with promises of physio and activities and rehab...Only to lost everything, and more, from where you were at before. The environment you need is a rehab environment. You are stimulated mentally all day long at home, but physically, it is simply the rotastand transfers you do, and a few passive, gentle exercises and physio for an hour, once-a-week. It just is not the right mind set for someone needing to regain strength and physicality. I find myself in a purely carer/speech therapist/physio/OT/activity/mental stimulation role. We are losing the magic of a relationship, as I strive desperately to rehabilitate and reeducate you, and you are on the receiving end of this. Indubitably, my constant insistence and attitude that every second counts, means not only do I never switch off 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, but that you must wonder where your wife has gone...
I want you to become the person that you can, that I believe with the right input you will become...To that end, I have come across a rehab style place that you could be a weekly resident at, to come home at the weekends so the anchor of being at home and that connection is there, so you do not need to feel detached. That your mind set is that you are somewhere to 'get better' and that when home, you have a relaxed weekend surrounded by your family. This place also sends their residents to an intensive rehab centre for 2 week stints, to move you on to the next level, then they maintain all that, then when they see you plateauing, you would go back to do further intensive rehab...I think it feels very right for you.
I have various meeting next week to arrange this, but am rushing into nothing, unless I am sure, a million percent sure it is right for you.
I just need you back, I know you don't want to be living this way, and why, why did the Most High save your life for no more than this? He has not finished His work with you yet, I know He hasn't...There's still so more...
Lets discover it...And make it happen.
Posted by Manic Mum at 21:47