Saturday, 22 March 2014

Dear Alex, Next Monday You Move Again.





Dear Alex,


I see you from the bottom of the hall, you are in the communal lounge, alone, arm shaking, head drooping to one side. I creep up, I kiss you on the lips saying 'Hi gorgeous!'

Your head bolts upright, a huge smile spreads across your face and you won't let me go, you kiss me and tell me you love me, and this goes on for about 15 minutes! You won't stop!

Despite the fact I was anxious about bringing the kids in to see you, unsure what place you would be in, you were wonderful.

The kids tell you one-by-one what they have been up to during the week, taking it in turns to sit on your lap.

Your smile does not leave your lips.

Basking in family love.


We need times like this to heal us a bit, replenish and revitalise the family soul.

I am holding on to today's visit, keeping it for me.


Next Monday you move back to the other Care Home. I haven't had time to consider this, but I know this is still best as you will continue to get regular Physio and Speech Therapy there, and you still need as much of this as you can.


Thanks of making today a treasured one.


I love you my Alex Wood.


ME xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Dear Alex, Three Days.

Look at my babies!!! This was years ago! 2008...






Dear Alex,

Three days, and counting.

Three, nearly four days, and the only thing you have done is shout at me, cry, throw the phone, scream, not listen…

Three days or more, I lose count because it feels like forever. Three days of reliving  'those words' , because when you are in this place, it is having that Dr say to me over and over

"Madame WOOD on attend pas qu'il va souvivre…chaque heure - meme un demi heure, compte…je regrette vous dire, mais on attends qu'il va mourir…'

I heard those words.

'We don't think it likely that he will live, we don't expect him to survive."

Of my best friend, my soul mate, my everything, I heard this, that

"you would not be here.'

I didn't believe it, I thought you would be, that's why, even after they told me the worst, I carried on writing these letters, for  you to read when you woke up… Only it didn't happen like that, it didn't happen how I expected, how I begged, pleaded, prayed.

You haven't come back.

I take each day step-by-step, I take each step, day-by-day.



I think I still wait.

I think I still wait in denial.



I think I still wait for my best friend who will return, wrap me up in his long awaiting arms.

I think I still wait for you…


You do not come.

But my angel, I STILL wait,

STILL,

Never giving up,


Me XXXXXXXXXXXXXX



Thursday, 20 March 2014

Dear Alex, Beauty in Simplicity.



Morning dog walk, soaking myself from outside in in gratitude, here were some of my things this morning.

Beauty in simplicity:





Wednesday, 19 March 2014

Dear Friends, From Me to You x



To our dear friends,

You all as individuals are inspiring, strong and wonderful people.

I do not tell you I appreciate you enough.

I do, I really do, it's just that...

I need to shrink away, just for a while, just till I feel like my bubbles are back, that I am able to function again.

I ramble, I drift off mid sentence.

I am aware I am like this, I am sorry.

I am embarrassed actually.

But be patient with me,

I am struggling.

I don't necessarily want to talk about it.

There's not anything I haven't already talked about, or things that haven't already been said,

Sometimes I just need to sit with this.

It might unleash a monster in me of resentment and bitterness, and that monster doesn't need to be unleashed, I just need to get myself under control a bit again, feel gratitude warm my core, from outside  in, then I will be able to hang out again.

I will try and find excuses, not because I don't want to be with you, but I just don't feel I can at the moment.

I don't want to feel like this,

So I want to shut myself away till it has gone away again and my smile is not so fake.

I do make a real effort, but in all honesty, I cannot even really be bothered to do that at the moment!

I just have this need to hide.

So I am sorry and thank you for being patient with me.

From your friend,


Tamsyn xxxx


Making Waves for You Update.

MAKING WAVES FOR YOU

I have been doing a great deal towards the project 'Making Waves for You', and thought I would like to put up a brief update:

I have someone on board who may be able to help me with fundraising ideas, who also has a contact who could help us set this up as a Charity.

So that makes Making Waves for You, two, not one!

This is a good start, although as it grows I will need more people on board.

I am mainly focussing on the moment on the content of the Website, collating other's stories of hope is one of my main focusses.

It will be no overnight challenge, rather something that takes its time and evolves, hopefully with the right people to help me for it to pick up speed and make it a real resource website/charity to help those in my or similar positions.

Speaking to some of the professionals involved with Alex, they tell me that Brain injury support and help is so scarce in North Devon, so maybe we have come here for a reason! They are keen to use my blog, the eventual website as a recommended resource for those who may find themselves in a similar situation.

It's frustrating, I am a 'make it all happen now!' person, I do not like to wait, and once I have the bit in my teeth I am away! But I know I have to exercise patience with this, so it is another learning experience for me.

I have started talks about how to set this up as a Charity too, which will take some time, but it IS possible.

It is all moving in an extremely good direction and I am enjoying having something positive and longterm to focus on.

Tuesday, 18 March 2014

Dear Alex, Not Any More.




Dear Alex,


Steam curls off my hot cup of coffee, computer on my lap, dog on my feet, I have set aside a small amount of time to write to you during the day, at least to make a start. Which feels strange in itself, I normally finish off the day by writing to you.

A remark made yesterday, innocent in its origin, naive in the expressing, but like a sharpened knife bearing into my heart the reception. It has left me with a huge amount to think about, to try and 'get over'.

So much resentment I have, so much that I need to excavate it somehow. Work though it. Or will it just always be there? I try not to feed it, not to pay too much attention to it, but on occasion it will simmer and spill over and sting me.

Talking to the Counsellor today I try and put my week into a pattern of events, thoughts, try and compartmentalise all. Only I feel too distant, too uninvolved. I feel too numb, maybe, or too unable to accept things. I feel like if I had pinched myself I would have woken up. You see honey, I have not been sleeping well recently, waking up so frequently for no reason, sweating cold sweats, I sometimes wonder if it is still post traumatic stress. The kids do their bit in waking me up in the night too, and this morning, sore throat ( I have had some bug for nearly two weeks now I cannot shake off) Headache, eyes burning, I just cannot shake this strange temperature sore throat and cough I have had. In the kitchen, doing the familiar, the morning routine, the weetabix, the porridge and legs aching.

These are times I get quite claustrophobic.

Because I wish I had someone with me, just sharing the load a tiny bit. Even just to moan to! It's the feeling of having to carry on, disregarding how I am, I don't count! And be there and make sure the kids are OK.

I need your support at the moment, but you are having one of those days when you scream at me down the phone, showing me you are 'gone' again…

No hope of any support or care or comfort from you, not any more...



Me xxxxxxxxxxx

Sunday, 16 March 2014

Dear Alex, Drifting.

Mitzi telling her dada she loves him and giving him a kiss x




Dear Alex,

Stars are unseen in the night sky, birds can no longer be heard, it is quiet except the whirr of the Dishwasher and the churn of the Washing machine. A boy so full of life, of hope of adventure and innocence sleeps next to me, the girls are curled up in their beds dreaming of life and fun and things to come.

Birthday celebrations are well and truly over, last night 11 friends and I went out to celebrate eating Tapas and drinking cocktails in a cafe in their Moroccan room upstairs.

I notice things about myself now, like how I seem to drift in and out of the conversations, the here and the now of being 'normal' being a mummy, a friend, a wife, I feel like someone who has obvious scars, despite the banter and the smiling face.

I drift and someone asks me something and I pull myself back to the table and the present. I cope by nipping to the loo, just to breathe for a few moments before coming back and chatting life and routine and joke again.

I feel now like I am at times a stranger to myself, like a part of me and my existence in this life fled along with you. Like the day you were whisked away from me in the hospital in France, when in the middle of a fit you somehow manage to focus on me, hold me and say 'What the hell is going on?'.

I still have that question ringing in my ears. The last thing you ever said to me when you were 'you'.

All I could do was yell after you 'It'll be alright, baby, you're going to be fine' as the whisked you off down the corridor, the flurry of white coats and drips and wires and machines to operate as an emergency.

And I tell you this now-a-days too.

Although I do not know what 'alright will mean for us now.

I just have to keep believing, keep asking the Most High for more.

Keep trusting, keep hope, keep faith and step onwards.

There is no going back, so I just have to keep on on this path.

I love you Alex, you are still my world, and my everything and somewhere out there I know, that part of me and part of you that left this earth that day are together, soaring on wings of an unknown existence to us in this life.

I cannot thank you enough for all the times we shared, the memories that I have when I can face them.



Me xxxxxxxxxxx